الصمت زين العاقل وستر الجاه

It took me, literally, 5 years to get over my ex-boyfriend. Not just 5 years of not really feelin the dudes I would date, but 5 years of full blown the-second-I-wake-up-until-the-moment-I-fall-back-asleep of pure misery washing over me. He was actually the reason I decided to get into astrology - I was convinced this level of unhappiness needed some kind of cosmic explanation because there no longer was a rational one once the first year after we broke up passed. I would hear phrases like, “the amount of time you spent together is the same amount of time you’ll need to get over that person!!!!” (which I can now recognize as one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard) and I would think I was completely insane for still being so “sprung.” For being revolted by everyone else that wasn’t him. It’s even weird thinking back on that time.. I was truly at my wits end. Tortured emotionally is the best way to describe it; haunted by a love, my first real promise of happiness, that failed.

I don’t know if most people can relate to this or if I was unique in my suffering. I think the key to getting over a guy in the most standard sense of the word is firstly understanding everything that went wrong. Really dissect the dynamics of that relationship as objectively as you can. Try to harness that voice inside of yourself that makes you see rationality when you want to indulge in passion. Were you really yourself in that relationship, or did you become an animated puppet of yourself, tailored for his tastes and pleasure? Maybe, when you really think about it, you took on more of an emotional babysitting role then you really wanted. He could have even been a project in indulging in your savior complex. Whatever it actually is, allow yourself to think about this for as long as you need to instead of rashly coming to a conclusion to move onto the next part of the “grieving process”.

The end of a relationship is very similar to a death. It’s the end of an era in your life. The flower of your previous relationship that once freshly bloomed has rotted. Sometimes that is a really unbearable thought to think. Sometimes people can be friends with their exes, sometimes a person would rather not do that and will cut them out of their lives. Either way it’s painful, and can add salt to a wound. Recognize that pain as apart of a learning process and as a valuable experience in life. You grow from acknowledge your hurts, and sifting through your misery with the intention of wanting a clear head.

Unrequited love is pretty fucking terrible. It was definitely the story of my life from the age of 17 until I was 22. I went through a lot of trial and error with men.. there was an old journal entry I was looking at of mine. I took a vow of celibacy in early 2012 after dating 3 dudes in a row (and sometimes intertwining) and they all ended extremely similarly. July 15th, 2012: “There is something about sweetness that makes me extremely uncomfortable — I always feel like I need to run away from it as quickly as possible. I understand why I keep falling into the pattern of unavailable men, its not only because they’re “safe”, but I’m recreating the 2007 scenario of (him) and I, except I’m now in his place as the convincing, charming pursuer. Maybe subconsciously I think that if I can change the minds of these stoic men as (he) had once done to me, then the cycle has completed and I’ve finally conquered my grief. The problem is obviously ME if these identical romantic scripts keep popping up in my life time and time again. I should get to know sweetness and kindness a little bit better. Cast aside my old prejudices.” Then literally two weeks later Chris and I would begin to date and he’d be my boyfriend. I feel like that journal entry was an extremely pivotal point in my life after the celibacy and throwing myself into as much mental/physical activity as possible after reflecting on “what went wrong” and why I was wrecked after that relationship.

I’m not suggesting celibacy in the SLIGHTEST btw. After years of still not being over this, I threw myself into the sexual realm hoping that it would be the cure to heartache (haha it wasn’t!), but I’ve always been a notorious prude and it just wasn’t in my nature to do that. There’s definitely no cookie-cutter way to get over a guy, but I think it’s beyond helpful to remember that for every dude that you like, there is an even more incredible one around the corner that will blow your mind. Just the other day I was thinking about my progression of men.. how, at the time, I thought there was no guy cooler then my crush. It was only after I had to get over them and stumbled across someone new that I realized that my personality, at the time, was more suited for the old dude. The more I grew as a person and hated the old personality traits I once sought out, I found better and better matches.

Inevitably I realized that my ex-boyfriend didn’t offer me much of anything. I love to worship. That is my bread and butter when it comes to falling in love. I love to put you on a pedestal and have my eyes wash over your features. I love to listen to everything you have to say, analyze all of your stories, and think you’re the king of princes, the queen of the Heavens. I definitely did that sevenfold with my first boyfriend, because that’s just the nature of first love. It is more shockingly, intensely “new” and more naive than all of the others, which is why I think it leaves such an impression on the psyche. I realized that while I worshiped him, I received nothing back. While that was cool with me at the time, now that I’m an adult and have experienced the feeling of being worshiped myself, there is no way I would ever be okay with a relationship like that again! Every time a guy does something and you think, “what the fuck, I really.. don’t appreciate that. Whatever, we can’t have it all” slap yourself. Yes you can. There is always going to be someone that’s going to treat you like a God and a best friend and you better remind him when he fucks up like that! If he’s not down, fuck it.

Anyway dude, life will move on and you will prosper. Treat yourself well and allow yourself the tenderness you feel right now. If anyone tries to make you feel like shit about it, just ignore them. On the same token, don’t wallow in your misery. You’re better than sadness over a turd guy. You are a bad bitch. Allow that time in your life to come to a close, as much as it hurts, as much as you never wanted it to end, as much as how it was, so far, your favorite chapter of any book ever, and let it go. Better chapters are guaranteed so long as you want them.

“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”

#thank you for the awesome compliment btw!!! #I know I'm never on here but fuck I do care about you guys and I'm always here if you ever feel like you need me #Ask box

3 weeks ago on April 28, 2013 at 12:35am

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